Doris's World
Sunday, May 01, 2005
  "The Phantom of the Opera is here……inside my mind".
It was pouring rain yesterday. I was ensconced on the couch with Tristan and Alexi, absorbed in "Season of Swans". Once I got over the deaths of Alex and Rane, I was able to continue with the book. The story itself actually got better too because the author settled on one character, Lexy, the great-granddaughter who was named after Alex, my beloved main character on whom the first book began. I wish the men in these books were real-life guys but I learned long ago that wistful women write the men in romance novels. Not that I read a lot of romance novels at all, ugh, but the Wild Swan series are historical fiction.
I had to tear myself away from the couch and push myself out the door. I felt guilty for not wanting to go but it was nothing against Diane personally. Lately I’ve been in "hibernation mode" and I’m very happy with that. I’m not hiding from anyone, just relaxing. Just as I was starting to feel physically better again, the close rolled around and zapped my energy. For the past two weeks, I had trouble sleeping but now I am sleeping soundly again, as I did when I was a child and noise didn’t wake me.

I put a lot of effort into my appearance. In days past, I used to wear elaborate dresses to the theater. Yesterday, I wore simple black jeans and one of my newer red sweaters. I stuck with my glasses because I see better with them than with contacts, but it made doing my makeup challenging. I did the works; foundation, blush, eyeliner, eye shadow and lipstick. Not to sound immodest but the nearly 42 year old face looking back at me from the mirror is not too shabby. Diane’s father thought I was the same age as she. I think he meant that sincerely.

I got to Diane’s at 6:00 and her friend Amy was there already. Chloe (Diane’s dog) greeted me at the door. I love Chloe, who is a mix of greyhound and something else. She has a wonderful personality. Diane’s mother was going too and so the four of us piled into Diane’s truck. It was still pouring but I had my London umbrella with me.

We went to CVS first for some bottled water, then to the parking lot at Curves to get on the bus. How nice that none of us had to drive. Diane is extremely aggressive behind the wheel and her driving makes me hold my breath sometimes. Not an insult, just an observation.

Diane and Amy sat together and I sat with Mrs. Burke. I am guessing Diane’s mom to be the same age as Mary Fernandez but they are totally different. Again, no insult meant, just an observation. I think Mrs. Burke is very nice, and she has a warm, welcoming personality. I think of Mary as Mary, but Diane’s mom as Mrs. Burke. Granted, she is my friend’s mother and I was brought up to address my friends’ parents as Mr. or Mrs. but Mrs. Burke has an old-school air about her that Mary doesn’t. I can see Mary wielding a guitar in front of a packed church, swinging to the rhythm as she plays but I couldn’t see Mrs. Burke in that same picture. Two good women, just totally different.

Someone had an extra ticket available, and they managed to find someone who was interested. However, we ended up having to wait for this person, and we were delayed. Both Mrs. Burke and I were annoyed. The faster the evening started, the faster I’d get back to my couch. Pathetic, I know.

Eventually, the last minute person came, and off we went. It didn’t take us long to get there, and soon we were in the city of Boston. I love my adopted city. Since I moved here in 1985, I have never seen the city without construction all over the place. I made a comment about that, and Diane remarked that she had been in middle school in 1985. I laughed. I always forget there’s such an age difference between us, ten years exactly. Diane is much smarter than I am , and more sure of herself at 31 than I ever was at that age. Did her self-confidence come from upbringing or was it something natural in her genes?

We drove down Atlantic Avenue and for a brief moment, I was back in time, a young girl working as a teller at Bay Bank, a short-lived job. When I first moved here, I had insisted on having a job in the city. I quickly learned that suburbs here are not the same as suburbs of Philadelphia. It is very easy getting to Philly from the burbs. It is a nightmare getting into Boston from the burbs. Still, I felt nostalgic as I thought of that old job, and of how hard I tried to get a job in Boston again when I was laid off 4/8/03.

I thought the bus had taken a turn down Newbury Street but it was really Washington Avenue. Still, the thought of Newbury Street brought back the old Cengiz and Neil memories. Memories of us walking down Newbury Street in the wee hours of the morning, dodging crowds even in that early hour. Thoughts of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream on a hot summer night. Moments back in time to a very happy period of my life. It’s nice to look back and find memories that are pleasant to remember. It’s nice to know that I didn’t waste all of the time God granted to me.

Time, such a precious thing to me now, but wasted for so many years. In fairness to myself, the only stable job I had prior to PHCS was Proteon, and I knew as soon as we went public that we would fall. A lot of my happiness stems from my ability to support myself and in knowing that I am not going to lose my job in the near future. Perhaps the distant future, but not tomorrow or next week.

Mrs. Burke and I chatted here and there. We talked about weddings of course, and she told me Julie had found a dress. I think it was Julie’s first time looking for dresses so it’s good that she found one so quickly. Michele, Diane’s sister, is getting married in a couple of weeks. Diane is getting married this October and Julie is getting married 5/20/06. And by the time Julie gets married, I will have a guy of my own. Don’t know how, as I am not looking, but it’s just one of those feelings I have.

The bus pulled up to the newly refurbished Boston Opera House. It looks very similar to the Wang Center. All one needs to do is dress the theatergoers in 1800’s garb, and one would feel as if they were living in the 19th century. Old theaters are both gaudy and beautiful, ornate with gold, marble and red drapery. I love them. It gives live performances an added air of magic.

We were ushered in but quickly discovered that we were on opposite sides of the theater. I went with Mrs. Burke and Diane and Amy went together. Although I didn’t have much to talk about, I was comfortable with Mrs. Burke, and I hope she was with me as well.

We stood in line waiting to get in, and I people-watched. Just like South Street in Philadelphia, the theater has all kinds of folks in various displays of dress. There are those women who dress formally, as I used to. I can still hear Rich Anderson’s petulant voice complaining about those folks who dared not to dress up. Personally, I am grateful they are there supporting the arts. The more of us are there supporting the arts, the more the arts shall live. So what if some of the theatergoers look a bit like ragamuffins.

Finally, we were allowed to go to our seats. It was nearly 8:00 but the theater seemed oddly empty. Shortly after that thought floated through my head, the throngs of youngsters started filtering in. One by one, kids aged probably around 14 –15 started coming in. They were an astonishing array of badly dressed kids. Granted, there I was in my inelegant black jeans and red sweater but for starters, my clothes matched. Now, I am the very last person to pass judgement on how people dress; the clothes I wear to work are six years old and my wardrobe desperately needs updating. However, my clothes are of the nondescript sort and don’t draw negative attention. At least not to my knowledge J

Popular amongst the girls were pants that barely covered their butts. I am not of the svelte variety myself, but my pants more than adequately cover my butt and I would not be caught dead or otherwise in pants that didn’t. Some of these young girls don’t have the figures to carry such things off, so they are showing off rolls, not appeal. Mrs. Burke, who was also fascinated by the "show before the show", commented that the lines of clothing on the girls were "not smooth". One of the women we were with said that she was intrigued by the "costumes" she saw. There were also some girls showing midriff that would have been better left covered. Sometimes imagination is better than reality. A girl/woman, if she wants to dress sexy, is better off wearing clothing that HINTS of a nice body rather than letting the world know for sure that she doesn’t.

The other interesting character about the teenage fashion being worn by these girls was the mismatching colors. I should have made better mental notes because I can no longer remember specific examples, but I do remember a peculiar shade of orange being paired with a peculiar shade of blue pattern. I remember skirts that had odd shapes and patterns on them to the point where it could make one dizzy if one looked at it for too long. There is a particular skirt I remember; it was basic white with black and red patterns of odd design. It was equivalent to an abstract painting.

The boys were dressed more conventionally, traditional shirts, suit jackets and ties. One boy however had a head full of curly hair that was aching for scissors. And there was a young black guy dressed in Elvis-like attire. He wore gold pants and a shiny gold top. Mrs. Burke and I got a kick out of the white socks and black shoes.

I told Mrs. Burke that I used to wonder why parents allowed their children to dress like that, until Christina turned 13. Karen found out that Christina was bringing skanky outfits to school and changing out of her "mom approved" clothes once she got there. I forget how Karen found out but suffice to say that she was NOT happy when she did. Mrs. Burke said that her daughter Michele used to do that with makeup. Michele had makeup in her purse and she would put it on when she got to school. Mrs. Burke did say that Michele at least knows how to put it on. She’s right about that. I’ve seen Michele. She’s a knockout but Diane’s the one who’s fun to hang out with. The guys I know think differently but Diane has a guy who loves her and she’s pretty in her own way.

Finally, the sea of youngsters was settled in and the show began. The audience wasn’t quiet at first and I was afraid the kids were going to be a problem. They seemed to settle in though and the show then overtook all my thoughts and emotions.

Prior to last night, I saw "Phantom of the Opera" twice in Boston and twice in London. The London performances were better, although I enjoyed the Boston performances, including last night. My problem with last nights singing was I think they overdid the vibrato. All of them had exceptional voices but sometimes they hit the vibrato so heavily they sounded as if they were being strangled, and I could swear some of them went off key. I am listening to Sarah Brightman right now from the "Time To Say Goodbye" album and she does not hold the vibrato as much as the singers did last night. Nor does it sound like she is strangling or off-key when she does.

But, in all fairness and credit to the performers, when they sang the songs with a softer touch, they were marvelous. Gary Mauer, who played The Phantom, was perfect in the role. The gal playing Christine Daie sometimes sounded just like Sarah Brightman. As great as all The Phantoms have been, Michael Crawford was the best. I never saw the production with him in it but I have the CD. Just as I can always distinguish Andrea Boccelli’s voice whenever I hear it, Michael Crawford’s voice also has a sound all it’s own. Ah, to live in a world with such talent and electronic equipment that captures it for all of our enjoyment.

I had a very good time last night. 
Saturday, April 23, 2005
  So here I am at 2:00 PM on a cool, rainy Saturday afternoon and the environment I am in is not quite what I’d pictured. I am surrounded by three sleeping cats; Tristan on the back of the couch, Alexi in the kitty condo, and……..Lucky under the bed. WWIII did not occur. Both Alexi and Tristan approached Lucky, individually, and hissed at him. He hissed and growled back, thank goodness, and they retreated. I believe they are both afraid of him.….good. I went to check on him a couple times, and I felt bad because he is not as happy as he was first thing this morning when I went to spend time with him. The other two, however, are spending their Saturday afternoon as they normally do. I am looking forward to the day when all three of them are out here. I was afraid Lucky might be another Melissa in terms of timidity but he is not. I suppose that since he has spent most of his life outdoors, and survived, that he knows a thing or two about self-defense.
Lucky is the sweetest cat I have ever laid eyes on. I thought Mr. Tristan was affectionate, and yes he is, but Lucky is right behind him. I don’t think he has a mean bone in his body, and he has the most adorable face. In the back of my mind, I told myself that I would have to find him a new home if T and Alexi didn’t get along with him, but if that has to happen, I would be heartbroken. I have to do what’s best for Lucky, and put my own affection for him aside, but so far, things are going very well. Hopefully, this is the last home he will ever need. I will give him the love and affection Lisa never did.
I have kept Lucky locked in the bedroom since I brought him home on Thursday and even though I have felt horrible about keeping him confined, I felt it was the best thing to do. Initially, he didn’t trust me, and I don’t blame him. Lisa locked him in a cat carrier and gave him to a strange woman (me) who then took him to see yet another woman (the vet) so that he could be poked and prodded. Then he’s deposited in a small room and the door is shut on him. Poor kitty! Thursday night, and last night, I laid on the floor and talked to him. Thursday night, he wouldn’t come near me, but when I came home last night, he became Mr. Affectionate!
And he was very affectionate this morning, before I decided to keep the door open. Alexi checked him out first, then Tristan and he’s stayed under the bed since. I’ve tried talking to him but he’s shrinking away from me again. As hard as this is on him, I think that things are going to be just fine given some more time. I never expected Tristan and Alexi to stick to their normal Saturday routines. I expected them to keep antagonizing him. But, Lucky is a big kitty, and I don’t think they want to scrap with him too much J Thank God Lucky is as big as he is. His vet dubbed him "The Gentle Giant".
I am trying to make this new adjustment as easy on everyone as I can, and so I’ve been sleeping on the couch. Since I have been confining Lucky to the bedroom, and I didn’t want to upset Tristan and Alexi by cutting them off from me, I figured that it would be best if I slept on the couch. So for the past two nights, the couch has been my bed. Since the guys downstairs keep all hours and being quiet is not on the top of their list, I got woken up in the wee hours of the morning. So, I had to put earplugs in my ears, something I really resent. What can I do, they’re not disturbing the peace, just mine, and it’s not an offense for which I can call the police. So I’m stuck. I try to console myself by thinking of how small my mortgage is, and that I am very lucky I can afford a home in the Boston area, even if I live amongst the Skank.
I was woken up once again, this time two seconds before Tristan had to use the box. I always wake up seconds before he uses the box. I don’t know how I subconsciously know this but at least I wake up before the stench wakes me up. Since it was almost 6:00AM, I was getting up anyway and it wasn’t a big deal. The horrible tiredness that gripped me for weeks after my illnesses seems to be gone.
Since I was up early enough, I decided to shower. Most times I don’t when I’m going to the gym, preferring to shower after I sweat, but our "workouts" are hardly taxing. Since I have recovered from bronchitis and stomach flu, we have not gone back to Donna’s weight-lifting classes. Those kill me even when I’m in better shape, although I am hoping to be able to go back to those classes soon. I took the Taste of Exercise class Monday and I’ve walked almost every day this week. It’s been a busy week so I haven’t been able to get to the gym.
I paid a lot of attention to all three cats, took care of food, water and boxes, so that by the time I did shower, I was running late. I didn’t have a chance to dry my hair, and it looks terrible when it air dries. Oh well J I did make it out the door by 7:30 AM and I got to the gym at 7:59 AM. I went inside and waited for Gemma, who came along shortly afterward.
I told Gemma about my new kitty and told her it was Joan’s friend Lisa who used to have him. Gemma told me that she and Frank had tried to keep Jesse confined from Sinje when they first brought her home, but she didn’t take well to being confined. Fortunately, Sinje and Jessie had no issues and Jessie is quite fond of Sinje.
We talked about the Catholic Church, and some of the things that bother us both. Gemma asked me if I thought a stillborn baby really goes to hell because it’s not baptized, and I laughed. I told her that I refuse to believe in a God that would think like that, and that I really don’t think that He does. Gemma said that Frank’s cousin is getting married for the second time and that she thinks it’s horrible that the Church makes people pay for annulments. Yup, I agree with her on that point too. According to Gemma, and I didn’t know this, the spouse filing for the annulment has to prove that his/her former spouse didn’t want kids. I thought one had to prove adultery in order to get an annulment.
Even though I am officially registered at St. Theresa’s and I am part of the Music Ministry, I do not, and refuse to, adhere to rules and regulations I deem as ridiculous. I am the type of Catholic the Church dislikes; I believe in a woman’s right to choose even though for me personally it’s wrong, I believe gays should marry if they want to, and I think that both men and women should be able to become priests. I also believe they should be able to marry. And, I think that birth control is okay; do we REALLY need more people on the planet? Do we not produce enough already? And how many of them die from starvation?
I told Gemma my theories on why the Church does not want priest to marry: the Church would have to change its stance on contraception as well. Think about it, I said. If the Church allows priests to marry but doesn’t change its stance on birth control, think of the financial strain it would cause for them.
Gemma asked me what John Paul II had done that made everyone think he was so wonderful and I said, even though I disagreed strongly with him on most issues, he did help bring down Communism. That’s why the attempt was made to assassinate him. And, the other thing he did was to acknowledge and respect other religions, including Jews. Oh, that is one thing that has always galled me about the Church; it’s hatred of Jews when Jesus Himself WAS also Jewish! Catholicism is based on the God of the Jews, the Messiah that the JEWS have been waiting for! And aside from religious differences, did Jesus not tell us to love our brother as ourselves? I don’t remember Jesus making any exceptions to that, and let us all remember the story of the Good Samaritan. Honestly, if we all truly followed Jesus, this entire world would know peace. Why get caught up in left or right? Why don’t we all just practice what Jesus taught us?
Ah, can you say "tangent". Yes, I’ve gone off on a "tangent". Better than letting The Sicilian out of the box J
Gemma and I moved away from the subject of religion and she told me about a job that Frank is going for at Lowell Auditorium. It’s a controller position, and I hope he gets it so they don’t move to California for a long, long time! Although I think they intend for this job, should he get it, to be temporary until things get worked out for that start-up company he’s interested in. That’s the one where the professors from Berkeley University invented something they want to develop and put on the market. Hence the move to California.
Gemma and I walked for almost an hour and a half. I was anxious to get back to the cats so I didn’t do any extra working out. Besides, I really wanted a coffee, which I got on my way home. Along with an apple-cinnamon muffin. The cute guy at Continental Café, who is way too young for me, was there this morning but he didn’t flirt/talk with me like he did the last time I was in there. I looked no better last time, but I had covered my hair with my Cincinnati Reds hat. I have really bad "air dry hair". He’s too young for me anyway but I had enjoyed flirting with him. Perhaps he will be there after I get back from church tomorrow, and he can see me "prettier". J
When I got home, I decided to have my coffee and muffin first before I opened that bedroom door and introduced the cats. I was not looking forward to the start of WW III. I finished my muffin and went to see Lucky. I still had coffee and I drank the rest of it while snuggling with him. He is really an awesome kitty and now I am attached to him. I was really afraid to open that door. I thought Tristan and Alexi would gang up on him so badly that I might have to think of a new home for him, something I DON’T want to do. He’s my baby now.
Alexi slinked into the bedroom right after I opened the door. Lucky had gone back under the bed when I opened the door but I could see his feet. Alexi walked right by him. She sniffed everything; cat box, water, food, and the rug. She finally figured out where he was and went over to him. Growling and hissing, she approached him. Lucky growled and hissed right back. I applauded him in my head. I don’t want the same situation I had with Melissa, which was quite heartbreaking. Alexi backed up and ran out of the room. She hasn’t been back there since, and is now just having her normal Saturday. She is curled up in the Kitty Condo. I can’t believe it was that easy!
Tristan went in afterwards, and the same thing happened. Tristan retreated and came into the living room. But, he went right over to Alexi and hissed at HER a couple of times! She just glared at him and he left her alone. A little while later, the same thing happened all over again! Tristan is obviously taking it out on Alexi J
But Tristan too is having a normal Saturday. He spent a lot of time on my lap, and is now back on couch. I feel bad for Lucky, who is still under the bed and looks miserable. He was quite happy this morning when it was just me but now he realizes there are other cats. I have to get him to trust me all over again. However, there have been no cat fights, and everyone is leaving everyone alone. I know things could be horrible but instead, we have relative peace. Everyone is doing their own thing. I’m writing this, and am also having a normal Saturday. I just feel bad for Lucky that he feels he has to hide under the bed. This too shall pass. I hope so! Poor guy.
Monday, September 06, 2004
  Monday, September 6, 2004

"What A Difference Two Years Makes"

Happy Labor Day! And indeed it is!

I have Tristan on my lap as I am typing this. Parts of my condo look awesome, the other parts disastrous. Hey, this weekend makes it two years since the cats and I moved in here, and it’s pathetic to admit that I still have boxed up things in my bedroom from that time. And now I have stuff in my living room from The Great Storage Removal Project. Ah, how nice it is to be amused and not upset. It’s been a year, and all I feel now is relief. I’ve gotten a second chance; school starts in the fall.and while it’s most unfortunate that it’s the same exact class that I had last year and I would have graduated this past May instead of next May, it’s still a good thing. I won’t screw it up this time. Instead of being tortured at EEC, I have a very good job, an awesome boss, and great co-workers. I cringe every time I think that this time last year, I worked at EEC. I still can’t believe my good fortune.

As far as the whole Alan/Tammi thing, what used to keep me up at night and in tears is now a totally unemotional thing. If only this would happen as soon as a break-up occurs but unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. And in my case, I’ve been such a failure at intimate relationships that I give myself the added burden of blaming myself. I have yet to have anyone fall in love with me. I don’t know why that is but I have come to accept it, and just fill my life with other things. Workwise, I’m fine but in my personal life, it’s been a bit of a struggle. I don’t want to do anything at all when I come home. I just want to plop on the couch, watch Lifetime movies, and read. My job fulfills me too much, crazy as that sounds. Karen says this is a good thing, not a bad thing, but I need to become more active. Part of it is the problem I’ve been having with sleep.

The weather has cooled down quite a bit, and I moved back into the bedroom last night. I am hoping we don’t get any more heat waves. I’ve gotten a ton of sleep this weekend, and it’s amazing how that one small thing makes my attitude more positive and my energy level much higher. I am hoping that being in the bedroom will prevent me from hearing the three not-so-lovely ladies that live upstairs from waking me up at 2:00AM when they are finished partying and yell and scream in the hallway, feet pounding like a herd of elephants. When I shut the bedroom door, I can keep Melissa in the crate and I don’t hear the howling.

I want to put her to sleep but have not yet found a cure for that part of my conscience that insists I continue to live in piss and crap. Friday, I went to work in a pair of jeans she pissed on. I didn’t know that she had until I was already there, and wondering what the hell that smell was that was coming from ME. I figured it out after going to the ladies room and sniffing my jeans. That night I went to put on my black Rockport shoes but she had pissed on those too. Yesterday when I was cleaning my bedroom, I discovered that she had pissed on my special occasion make-up kit. The container is still in the sink soaking but I’m not sure how to clean the make-up itself. It didn’t ruin the make-up on the inside but the outside of everything reeks. It’s making me crazy.

Right now she’s in the bedroom probably peeing somewhere as I am writing this, but I can’t keep her crated while I am here in the living room because of the sounds of torture she makes when crated. I don’t see the difference between sleeping behind the bed, which is where she stays, or sleeping on the soft blanket I bought for her. It’s not like she’s active and needs to be out.

Well, it’s almost 1:00 now and I need to keep going with cleaning. Plus, I am picking Ricky up at 6:00 and we are going somewhere for dinner that’s open today.

Saturday, August 28, 2004
  Saturday, August 28th, 2004

So much for last Friday off. I have 8 hours overtime this week. Kind of negates the idea of a day off. I suppose it would have been okay had the weekend been better. I like John but Joe continues to grate on every nerve I have. Then tells me I'm the one with the problem. Sounds like all my ex's. At this point in my life, time is especially more valuable than it was when I was younger, because I am now at the halfway point (assuming I live to 80). I don't want to spend time with people who don't appreciate life, don't appreciate anything they have, and complain about EVERYTHING.

But if there's one thing I learned from all of my relationships is that you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. I did not waste my breath trying to tell Joe that listening to him complain the entire weekend really drained all the fun out of it. Pushing an elderly Asian couple out of the way so he could steal their cab was the start of my loss in patience. Joe says we were first; we were not. Ask John Raab.

I told the girls at work my stories, and they wanted to know why I am friends with Joe. Well, without Gabey, quite frankly, I wouldn't be. As I am approaching the beginning of the end of my life, I don't want people in it who are jerks. If it wasn't for Gabey, Philly would see me once a year, on Broad Street. That's it.

But I think I am recovered from last weekend, umpteen OT hours, and lack of sleep. Last night I went out with Ricky, and his nephew Owen. Ricky was a bit put off that I wanted to go home right after dinner and go to sleep at 7:00 on a Friday night but despite him trying to talk me out of it at least ten times, with not-so subtle comments thrown in (oh, what an exciting evening, hanging out with the cats. well, maybe you'll finally clean your house), I did indeed go home and straight to bed. And did not wake up until 10:00 this morning.

What is it about people who lack understanding about other peoples' shoes, so to speak? Why must I explain or defend myself as to why Iwant to go to bed at 7:00 on a Friday night? Why the remarks about cleaning? No one lives here but me and the cats. When I throw dinner parties, I clean my house. I have yet to have my dinner invitations turned down, most especially by Ricky. He who once fought with Denise's ex-husband over my lasagna.'s actually been awhile since I've been in a cranky mood. I'm all set with sleep, and I love work. My boss gave me the first perfect review I have ever gotten. He said I am "refreshing" and that he is looking forward to working with me "for many years to come". This was last Monday, right as we were getting into the close. It made dealing with the stress of the close so much easier, and much more worth it.

So this morning I went to Continental Cafe for my usual cup of coffee, and a cinnamon sugar muffin. I parked the car and headed toward the cafe. I was dressed in yesterday's clothes with a Red Sox cap hiding my Alfalfa hair, and I looked as I was: someone who had just gotten up. And at the picnic table right outside the cafe was John and some blonde woman. I couldn't see her face but I could tell by the dryness and texture of her hair that she was probably midforties or older. John, who is loud anyway, got louder when he spotted me, and blatantly stared at me. He didn't miss a beat talking however and I felt my facial features turn into a smirk. I could feel his eyes on me as I ventured inside. I wonder why he took his chick to Continental Cafe when he prefers Starbucks down the street?

There were several people ahead of me, and I felt the usual impatience. I wish there was a line for people like me who want quick things. The people ahead of me were waiting for fancy coffee drinks and toasted bagels. I just wanted a coffee and a muffin, which takes less than a minute to get. They don't put the cream and sugar in, it's a do-it-yourself at the counter, which is a good idea for quickness. I finally got my coffee and muffin, and headed back outside. I avoided looking at John but I could tell he saw me because his voice went up.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004
  Wednesday, May 12, 2004

I went to bed at 8:30 last night but as usual, I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed. I’ve been feeling sluggish and tired all week. It’s not due to lack of sleep, far from it. Susan Larson, my voice teacher, insists it’s allergies. I don’t think it’s allergies but it’s definitely not fun. I haven’t felt 100% since my recent sinus infection.

I slogged through my morning routine; cat boxes, food and water for them, etc. Melissa has gotten into the habit of running into her crate, which obviously makes life easier for me. She always forgets however that I shut the door behind her, and the ungodly sounds begin.

After patting Tristan this morning, I’ve decided I’ve waited long enough in taking him to the vet. He is too thin, despite eating well. Hopefully, it’s only hyperthyroidism, in which case a $30 a month prescription will keep him going. It’s not a serious illness like Tigger had, and is common amongst cats who are older. It’s hard to believe Tristan is 13. His personality has never changed. He’s an awesome cat and I hope he lives a long, long time.

Alexi did the usual shower thing. She still comes running in as soon as I shut the water off. Tristan has started coming in with her. It’s hard to dry off with purring mounds of fur trying to rub against you. I sure don’t mind 

I have been getting out the door around 6:35, and into the office around 7:20, thanks to getting lost last week and finding out about a short cut off of 117. On the way in this morning, I listened to NPR, as I typically do. I am getting awfully tired of all the crap going on in Iraq. We all are. Stopping terrorism is one thing, avenging a vendetta is another. A lot of people, at least the ones I know, all believe George Jr. wanted to fight with Iraq because of George Sr. All Americans want is peace, and to live our lives. I would bet the Iraqis feel the same way. Yet, day in and day out, someone is killing someone. The Americans and the Brits in charge of the Iraqi prison thought it was okay to abuse the prisoners, and the Muslim extremists felt it was okay to kill that kid from West Chester, in response to the prisoner abuse. Why is it that fucked up people run the world and are in charge? How come ordinary people are never put in charge?

NPR did a feature on an artist, and it’s been a long time since I’ve said to myself, I MUST have that CD! The last couple of feature artists have been too way out there even for me. Today’s feature artist was a young girl named Hayley Westenra, and she makes Charlotte Church sound like she’s not a good singer. Oooh, what a voice! I ordered it tonight, along with a CD by Klezperanto (Klezmer, Jewish music) that I had heard featured a long, long time ago. No time like the present! I need to add fresh CDs to my collection. I listen to CDs at work all day long.

I got into work around 7:15. The past couple of days have been way too hot (where oh where is spring?) but the days have been beautiful. As groggy as I am in the morning, I try to always make myself notice my surroundings at work. We are located near the Reservoir, on top of a mountain. The view is breathtaking. Oh, and in my simple little condo complex, I saw a male cardinal this morning. I don’t think there’s a more beautiful bird on earth than the male cardinal.

I went downstairs and got a coffee. I already had a cinnamon muffin from yesterday, which I warmed up. I settled in at my desk, and sent some quick e-mails. John had sent me an e-mail, despite the blatant e-mail I had sent him the other day about some of the things that are going on in my head. I haven’t told him that I am still haunted day and night by The Living Ghost of Alan McGregor but I did tell him I still have some issues I am trying to work out.

Mainly the time that Alan told me the reason why he was in a relationship with me is because he was tired of jerking off alone. I have not been able to sleep with John partly because of that. The other reason is that I don’t find John attractive, but these days I simply don’t find anyone attractive. I am so tired of being used. I read an article in Ladies Home Journal last night that said divorced women re-marry in three years. I should have been re-married four times by now. Everyone tells me it’s the guys I pick, and not me, but could it really be me each and every time? I don’t know. I do know that I really didn’t deserve to be treated the way these men have treated me. That much I do know.

John is not having a good week at work. I feel bad for him about that. I know how that feels. He had tried calling me last night both on my home phone and on my cell but I had gone to bed around 8:00.

Karen Labrie and Joan e-mailed me, and we are going out May 26th at The Longhorn in Marlboro. I got to pick the place because it’s the day before my birthday. I really don’t want to celebrate my birthday. The events of last year still taste bitter; Alan being laid off in January right as I wanted to break up with him (again), me being laid off April 8th, turning 40 and not having accomplished much with my life, getting on at EEC and being demoted through no fault of my own, and of course, the Grand Slam of All Events from 2003, being dumped for Miss Saigon of Ghetto Land at the job I got for Alan. Diane Johanson had told me to dump Alan even though he was laid off, but I couldn’t. I felt too guilty. But Diane was right.

Michael e-mailed me, and I corrected the directions I had sent him yesterday. Michael met me at lunch.

Today was my 30-day review with Dave. I don’t know how good a job I am doing, but I am doing my best, and I really like what I do. I assumed that my passion for the job would somehow result in good things. I was in the middle of setting up the profile for Cannon Cochran when Dave came over at 8:30 to grab me for the meeting. I was so into what I was doing that I jumped.

We went into the Purchasing Room, and I could tell right away by Dave’s body language that this was going to be a good meet. He had printed my aging, and I had printed a spreadsheet of my accounts with comments. I hadn’t realized he was going to print an aging but luckily I had my little spreadsheet.

He asked me how things were going, and I said great except for Easy Pay. I have a stack of unprocessed checks I can’t enter into Easy Pay because of all the problems I ‘ve been having with it. I told Dave I wasn’t sure at what point I should stop pursuing the Easy Pay issues. I am diligent about putting my issues on the list but I don’t often hear anything back. Nectaria did get back to me on Friday about Florida 1st, which I re-did but it still did not fix the problem. I told Dave I didn’t want 20 unprocessed checks at the end of the month. He said that due to the EP issues, that might happen. I said that as long as he realized that EP issues were the reason and not my lack of effort, that I was okay with that. What can we do? EP is not the most flexible of programs, and we are not really helped. If it weren’t for Julie, Cindy and Diane, I would be in worse shape.

We talked about my future running of implementation meetings, which really excites me. We talked about Cimarron and I told Dave that’s one of the things I enjoy best about the job: pulling the spreadsheets apart and contacting the customer when they’re not right. He seemed amazed at my willingness to contact customers and said that the other Rev Specialists had a tendency to not do it. Interaction with people is one of the things I like about my job so I have no issues calling customers. And unlike EEC, anytime I do something for Sales or for the Account Managers, I get a nice e-mail thanking me. What a huge difference from that bitch Tonya Harvey and that loser Scott Crockett down in Texas.

Dave asked me if I have any issues with Lawson, and I said no. He said that he hasn’t seen anything in my work that needs to be addressed. It was a very good meeting. 

I was wide-awake at this point, and in a very good mood. I went back to struggling with my Cannon profile. Cindy came over and we delved into Florida 1st. We got Diane involved, and Julie too. After much discussion (and dismay), it was decided that Florida 1st needs to be deleted and re-done again, and all of the payments need to be re-entered. Oh well. I don’t care, as long as I can get it to work and I can process my payments.

1:00 rolled around very fast. Michael arrived on time, and we went downstairs to the café to eat. He said he is relieved to have been let go from Goric, and he looked it. Me, I hate being laid off and had a very difficult time with it last year. I am going to submit Michael’s resume to two of the positions we have open.

Seth is having the Monthly Dinner at his house this Saturday, and I will be going. Michael and Sally are going too. Michael wasn’t sure about any of the others

Of course, conversation eventually centered around men past and present, and Michael said it’s going to take me awhile to get over the Alan thing. Funny, a month ago he said he was surprised I wasn’t over the Alan thing. Oh well, he’s just trying to be supportive. Michael said Alan will end up doing the same thing to Miss Saigon what he did to me. A year before it happened, Michael had predicted that Alan was going to dump me for another woman. Michael said that Alan is never happy with what he has. I know that first hand.

After lunch, Michael wanted to see my office so I brought him upstairs. I pointed out all my Flyers decorations. The Flyers are 1 – 1 with Tampa Bay after pounding them 6 – 2 Monday night. Gabey kept beeping my phone during Bible study and it was all I could do to keep from looking at my cell phone. Calgary is 2 –0 over San Jose. Michael thinks the Flyers will win over Tampa Bay but not over Calgary. We’ll see.

I was back at my desk by 2:00 and vowed to work until 4:30 to make up the time. I was back in the thick of Canon again and struggling. I called Ricky, and his mother answered. She said that Ricky and Zac had gone into Boston because Zac had to get a certificate from the Homeland Security Department, as he works on a ship at the Cape. It seems to me the government is going after the wrong people. I had to endure a humiliating search at 7:00AM on a Saturday morning for a short trip to Philly just to see my friends and go to a Flyers game. Argh.

I continued working Cannon and ended up going to Snack Time 40 minutes later with Karen, Cindy, Julie and Cathy. All of us except Cathy went outside. It was hot and I was dressed in layers because it was supposed to be cold today. It wasn’t.

After we went back, I finally finished Cannon. Cannon took a long time because of all the products, plus the bundling of some of the products. And the numerous pay groups. Today I learned about gross to net; that’s when the customer’s backup for their retro includes ALL of their prior enrollment, and it’s up to the Rev Specialist to siphon out the retro portion. I had sent a revised spreadsheet to Shelly Rapski at Group Benefits saying nicely that her spreadsheet didn’t jive to the numbers. Julie told me they are a gross to net customer. Oops!

Ricky called me, and I told him he needs to reset his password. Someone tried to break into the AOL account. It wasn’t anyone I know because the answer to my security question is what city was I born in. Hello, anyone who knows me knows the answer to that one. The other night, when I went into his account to see if he was going to need to change his password, I found out he is gay. I was shocked but not surprised. Most of all though, I was hurt that he has never told me. He knows I have lots of gay friends and that it doesn’t bother me.

I am guessing the guy out in California is his lover. The guy’s name is Tom, and he seems to love Ricky a lot. Good. We all need love. I hope Tom is good to Ricky. Ricky deserves the best.

I don’t think Ricky knows I know, and I will keep it that way. I feel sad that he feels he has to hide an important part of his life from me, but it won’t take away from our friendship.

I left at 4:30, got home around 5:20 and took a nap. I was woken up by the morons next door who seem to have surround sound. I got rid of the ones upstairs (Carol and Tim) and now I have ones next door. Being the Sicilian that I am, I took one of my speakers, put it right up against the wall, and blasted the Red Sox pregame show. They seem to get hints better than Carol did, because they turned it down. They had their TV on so loud my floor was literally shaking. So ridiculous!

John called a moment ago. He is having a very bad time at work. His boss gives him stuff to do but doesn’t give John the tools he needs to do the job correctly. I am going to lend him my book “Online for Dummies” and Alan’s book as well. Alan is not using it at the moment, and he has never called me to get my stuff, even though he called Karen about it two weeks ago now. No phone calls, no e-mails. So I guess it stays there awhile longer. Until I am ready to deal with it, or he gets fed up about it, or Miss Saigon blows a gasket over it. One of these days I will go and get it. One of these days.

Sunday, May 02, 2004
  Sunday, May 2, 2004

I woke up at Joe and Kristen’s this morning at 6:25AM, five minutes before my cell phone alarm was due to ring. Considering that I had gone to bed way after 1:00AM this morning, I felt pretty decent. I also realized that I am no longer sick with the sinus infection. I have to make a mental note to myself two things concerning sinus infections: next time my throat and ears are on fire, I will know what it is, and, a sinus infection takes two weeks recovery time.

My beer-belching friend Doug was lying on the air mattress in the living room, next to the couch I’d been sleeping on, but fortunately not too close. Last night I did not give him a choice of where he was going to sleep when Kristen said we could figure out who would get the couch and who would get the air mattress. Perhaps if I had been more impressed with my beer-belching friend I may have considered. Maybe. These days I am trying to pay more attention to what DONNA wants, for a change. Having zero attraction for Mr. BB certainly was helpful.

I must say, I really did have a good time last night despite that fact that Mr. BB had his first and last date with me all in one night. I am learning in my old age to make lemonade out of lemons, as the Other Donna (or am I the other Donna ) would say. I knew two seconds into my initial conversation with Doug that this was not going to work. He cut me off in the middle of a story I was telling him so that he could join another conversation. X! (another Gabey expression ) The rest of the evening however contributed to the “X” so this is not a case of me being shallow. And, to digress for a moment, my non-attraction to John does not mean I am shallow either.

There is simply no chemistry, and there is no fault on either side. Neil was a lot less attractive than John (Karen’s nickname for Neil is “Ugly Frog-like Creature”, and Roxanne took me aside after meeting Neil and said, Donna, really, you can do better than THAT!), yet I had been very much attracted to him nonetheless. Neil, before becoming a Boyfriend, had been a great friend of mine and the attraction had just happened on it’s own. Neil the Friend and Neil the Boyfriend were two totally different men. Kind of like Rich In Year One of Relationship as opposed to Richard in Years Two and Three of Relationship. Two totally different men. The sooner I learn to not try to figure these things out, the better off I shall be. Since my personality does not operate like that however, I cannot relate and therefore I DO try to figure these things out. One simply mustn’t try though, and just accept that these things are the way they are.

Gemma Soracco, one of my dearest acquaintances, had left a voice mail for me Friday night saying she could go to the gym on Sunday morning if I was free. Gemma and I meet every Saturday at Bally’s at 8:00AM to walk around the track several times. She’s pregnant and this is the most she wants to do, which is fine by me, because heavy-duty exercise and early mornings mixed together Before Coffee does not agree with me. Gemma and Frank were supposed to go to New York State this weekend so she could get her tooth worked on but Frank’s allergies were killing him. (One may ask at this point if there are dentists in Massachusetts and the answer to that would be “yes” but the dentist in NY State is a friend of Frank’s. He does their teeth for free.)

I called her back and we agreed to meet at 8:00 AM on Sunday. I’m not singing for church this week, and I have adopted the bad habit of not going to church on weekends I don’t sing. This is something I need to change, and I will. I had started getting active at the Pentecostal Church in Mendon, but I get so sick of people’s interpretation of the Bible to illogical levels that I start avoiding church. I wish Jesus could come to one of our Bible studies on Monday night and let Karen know that in her case, divorce IS the right thing. Lenny’s “other woman” is the bottle, and he IS committing adultery. I know that Jesus would agree with me! Okay, if I’m wrong, I’m quite willing to suffer the burning pyres of hell. I want to believe that God is fair and just. I don’t want to believe that God wants Karen to stay in a marriage that has been slowly killing her for years.

Anyway…….I met Gemma at the gym this morning as planned. I got there at 7:30, having totally misjudged the time from Webster to Lowell (and the fact that I was doing 80). So I read some more of “The Runaway Jury” (I am on a John Grisham kick) and went inside Bally’s once the doors opened at 8:00. Gemma is usually late so I started reading the job paper they always have in the corner of the gym. And I thanked God once again for PHCS. It’s taken me a long, long time to find this job but now I am all set as far as jobs go. If I could only meet a nice guy that I’m attracted to who’s attracted to me, that would fulfill the only other thing I really want.

Gemma showed up at 8:15 and we started our trek around the track. I love Gemma’s stories. Her husband Frank took me aside one time and told me he really appreciates my friendship with his wife, that she thinks the world of me and I am one of her best friends. This really surprised me, as I don’t really socialize that much with Gemma and we usually only meet at the gym once a week. But I treasure her friendship as well; she was one of the ones there for me when The Planet migrated to Vietnam in Southboro. She made me stay overnight once when I had dinner with them and I had annihilated a bottle of wine by myself.

Some of Gemma’s stories are re-runs but I love them nonetheless. She is still quite upset with Frank (on The Husband Scale of 1 – 10, he rates about a 6) because of the hunting trip he is taking in November. For about $5,000. In Oregon to hunt bears. And for a week and a half. Two months after Gemma gives birth to their daughter. With no signs of a trip to Italy in their future any time soon. Gemma’s dream is to go to Italy and Spain for vacation. Frank told her it’s too expensive. I guess $5,000 for a hunting trip in Oregon isn’t too expensive but Italy for half of that amount is. I see……….

I offered to go to Italy with Gemma but she can’t leave the kids with Frank because he’ll pawn them off on his mother. Oh, but he can go to Oregon without any worries about the kids? I limit what I say, because she’s A) Six months pregnant and B) Doesn’t really want to hear that Frank may not be an ideal husband. She is well aware of what single women go through and the stories they have to tell, so she deals with Frank’s selfishness. He’s not a bad guy but he IS selfish.

Today I heard more John and Justine stories. John, the NY State dentist, is the one who convinced Frank to go on this Oregon hunting trip. John makes $80,000 a year as a dentist, and he also has income from several properties he owns. Justine is one of five children, and her mother was a slut. Justine and a sibling were from one father but the other three kids were from three different fathers. I forget what happened to Justine’s mother, but John’s mother took Justine in and the rest is history. John and Justine got married and had Justin and Jamie. Jamie is a wild and spoiled girl who always wants things, and it’s not unusual for Justine to give Jamie $200 to get some new clothes. Jamie is in her first or second year of college and parties hardy. Gemma didn’t have anything to say about Justin.

Gemma says that Justine is very naïve. Justine is a born again Christian in her sixties who wears tight fitting clothes, and Gemma says she looks slutty. (The mother’s influence perhaps?) Jamie has a guy that stays in her room with her and Justine says it’s really nice that her daughter has a friend to watch movies with. Jamie’s best friend is a waitress in North Jersey and it’s just amazing what waitresses make these days, according to Justine. Jamie’s friend pulls in $1,000 a night.

Gemma has two friends back home in Virginia who are sisters, Jane and Jennifer. Jane is really beautiful and had a boyfriend named Ari who worshipped the ground she walked on. They were engaged to be married but then Jane met Lee, a Ken-doll who was in the military. Jane fell head over heels in love with Lee and dumped Ari like a hot potato. Lee and Jane got married and they moved to Italy. Through Lee’s being in the Army, Jane got a job through them.

Things for Jane and Lee were going on very well until the rumors started about Lee the Ken-doll’s numerous affairs. Jane ignored them but got to a point where she couldn’t anymore, and she confronted Lee. Lee wouldn’t say “nay or yay” to the questions posed to him by Jane, and she left him. Lee, being a Ken-doll, was absolutely floored that any woman could leave HIM. He pursued and pursued and pursued, but alas, she got her divorce and was able to keep her job in Italy. She had to get her phone number changed, and eventually she ended up moving back to the States. A few years later, a guy named Mark walked into her life, and now she’s happily married to him. (Why do other people have happy ending stories while I go about my life never meeting anyone?)

In the meantime, Jennifer met Ken (his real name) in college. Jennifer wasn’t interested in Ken but he pursued her to the point where she finally agreed to go out with him. They ended up getting married, and they moved to Oregon, where all was well for a couple of years. Then they became friends with another couple. Jennifer fell in love with Brent, and he with her, so they divorced their respective spouses and moved to Seattle together, where Gemma says Jennifer has never been happier. Ken, in the meantime, developed a severe drinking problem and never recovered from the loss. Apparently Jennifer was the only woman he ever really loved. Gemma didn’t know what became of Brent’s wife. This story doesn’t have so happy an ending, although if you’re Brent and Jennifer the story ends just fine. There truly is no justice in this world.

I got an update on Linda the Dentist out in Oregon (I wonder why everyone Gemma knows migrates to the Pacific Northwest?). Linda has a boyfriend she doesn’t really love but THIRTY is right around the corner so she reluctantly invited Matt, the boyfriend, to move in with her. Gemma had advised her not to do this and said that she will not listen to any complaints that Linda may have about Matt. Poor Matt.

It seems to me that when God created Man and Woman that he could have made us a little less complicated. In a Logical World, I would meet John and fall in love with him because he’s everything I wanted Alan to be….except he’s not Alan. Only God can explain to you why I prefer Alan to John when John is clearly the better man. I can only say that because human beings run on chemicals and not logic alone, there is something about my chemical make-up that attracts me to Planets. The Four Men that I considered myself In Love With share a common denominator: they were all losers, and they were all people my friends didn’t like. Roxanne never liked Gregg, and Karen had issues with him too. They both could see traits in him that I did not pick up (and of course I did not listen to what they were trying to tell me), and this ultimately ended in my Answering Machine Dumping.

I broke up with The Planet six times. One of those times should have been when he called Karen a bitch because she would not help him hide his money from the mortgage company where she worked, and where he now works. If I had only been strong enough to break away from him, he wouldn’t be working at Prime Mortgage and he wouldn’t have met Miss Saigon. The path of his life would have gone in another direction, and mine too, and I wouldn’t be the one sitting here with a broken heart while he screws another woman.

When I prayed to God right before I got into PHCS, I told Him that I would no longer have any excuses for not moving forward with my career. At PHCS, I would make the money and have the options to put myself on the career path I want to be on. I don’t seem to have too many choices when it comes to men, but I can choose this time around to keep an open mind about dating, and not have the attitude I had between Gregg and Alan. This time around, I’m going to do what I did during those six Boyfriend-less years; socialize with all my friends. But I am also going to find other single people to socialize with, and continue my on line dating options. Maybe it won’t take six years to find another boyfriend, and maybe next time around he really will be the Right One.

John called me this morning and I am meeting him for a quick coffee at 1:30 this afternoon. I am not going to have “the chat” with him this afternoon, but I am going to have to tell him I can’t offer more than friendship at this point. Perhaps if I were completely over The Planet, John would appeal to me more. If a guy like Dan McGillis came along and wanted to be with me, would I want him? I find myself saying “no”, yet I think Dan McGillis is HOT! So maybe it’s where I am in my life rather than John.

I don’t know. Only God, and Time, has the answer.

Thursday, April 29, 2004
  Thursday, April 29, 2004
Last night I took two Benadryl with a glass of wine and was in bed by 8:00. I slept like the dead and didn’t wake until the annoying buzz of the alarm clock woke me up. I hadn’t locked any of the cats out of the bedroom and so all three of them were with me. Tristan hopped down from the bed and used the box, which made any thoughts of extra sleep suddenly impossible. Nothing smells as bad as Tristan’s “offerings”. I amazed that such dreadful things come out of something so cute.

I did the usual; cleaned up cat boxes, changed food and water bowls, and put the howling Melissa back in the crate. I showered and Alexi came bouncing in once I turned the water off. I finished up and headed out the door at 6:42AM. I got in right around 7:30. Got my coffee, and splurged on a Danish this morning. I have not been feeling well enough to eat so I can afford the calories.

Once I was settled in, I started on my reconciliations. At 10:00, we all met for the Accrual Report, except for Diane. She was busy with her Trustmarks I think, and she is on vacation next week. Paula and I, the rookies, tried to make sense of what transpired in the meeting. Dave and I met afterwards and worked on my accruals. Dave is one of the nicest bosses I’ve ever had. I am very lucky to have this job, and not a day goes by that I am not grateful for it. Even the building I work in is beautiful, and we have a stunning view of the Reservoir.

Cindy came by to gather us up for lunch, and most of the crew was there today, Cindy, Paula, Cathy, Julie and Nectaria. Diane worked through lunch. After lunch, some of us went to check out the Café Resume and watched HR do a demonstration. There are three IS jobs available, and I wish my friend Donna lived up here. I know other people in IS but I already did that someone a favor once and never would again. I don’t want The Planet at my place of work. Even though IS is way at the other end of the building and on the first floor (I’m on the third floor), certain Planets would try to align despite having an Asian girlfriend. Said Planet would love PHCS; there are tons of Asian women who work there. What a shame. I would get a $500 employee bonus. I got nothing but heartbreak the last time I got someone a job.

Cindy sent us an e-mail of some guy’s on line personal, and it was hilarious. It was also real, but none of us would want to go out with him, so this guy might think about changing it a bit. Cindy said she’s been doing the on line stuff and she ran across the profile of a guy who works at PHCS. She didn’t recognize him at first because he has a full head of hair in the picture he put in his profile. He’s actually as bald as a billiard ball. Argh on these people who mis-represent themselves.

I got halfway through my recs then left on time, at 4:00. Route 2 was brutal coming home, and it was actually hot outside. Argh. Not winter and not summer weather would be nice, as in SPRING. I got home a little before 5:00 and took a nap. I got up before 6:00, refreshed myself, and put Megan’s gift together. I got her diamond snowflake earrings from Macy’s and a journal for writing. John said Megan loves to write and I always loved journal books when I was her age.

I got to John’s right at 7:00. I was a little uncomfortable because John’s ex-wife’s family was there. Kristi’s kids, Jesse and Lisa, were there, along with Dan, Lisa’s boyfriend. John’s ex-sister-in-law Lisa was there with her daughter Kelly, I think her name was. George, Kristi’s brother was there, and Kristi’s father and wife. I’m not sure what happened to Kristi’s mother. John’s mother was there, and his sister Jan. Everyone was very nice to me.

Megan blew the candles out on her cake and we all had cake and ice cream. She then opened her presents, and was genuinely happy with what I got her. John could tell I’d spent a small fortune. He protested to me about it and I told him I’d already e-mailed him and said he was not to say anything. I have not known Megan very long but I really like her a lot, and I think she’s a great girl. I have genuine affection for her, even though I am not attracted to her father.

Which is something I’m going to have to do something about. It’s not fair to John. He’s a great guy and deserves better than having a woman who is simply not attracted to him. I don’t know what it is, although I suspect it’s because he’s not drop-dead gorgeous like the last two I had. And I know that’s awful, and I know I want to be judged by who I am and not what I look like, but sexual chemistry does involve the physical. We are biologically built that way. It’s rather ironic that John has the personality I always wished Alan had. I am learning things about myself I really don’t like. I am hoping, and I pray to God every day, to get that same “spark” with John that I’d had with all the fucking losers I dated. Oh life is not fair.

Everyone left after Megan opened her gifts, and I helped John clean up. Afterwards, we sat on the couch and he “octopussed” me; that is, enveloped me so much that I felt trapped. I know that if Alan had done that, I would have been in heaven. Did I mention that life is not fair?

A few minutes later, Megan came out from her room, and I decided to leave. John isn’t sure if he can have me over tomorrow night, as it depends on what Megan wants. I am quickly getting tired of him always needing Megan’s “permission” whenever he wants to include me. I appreciate that he is trying to be a good father but if he wants a girlfriend, compromises will need to be met. So I don’t know if I am going over there tomorrow night or not. My fate will be decided and dispensed to me via work e-mail tomorrow.

John asked me what I am doing this weekend, as he is busy with Megan and her friends Saturday night. He is taking them all to Build-A-Bear. I am going to Joe and Kristen’s…..and they are setting me up with their friend Doug.

Yes, I know. I’m a shit.

The soap opera life of a 40 year single woman in the state of Massachuesetts.

06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 / 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 / 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 / 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 / 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 / 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 / 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 / 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 /

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